Hi readers.
This is now 2021. And I'm 24 years old.
Yes, 24.
I started this blog when I was 14 and I got really into it when I was 15. It has been 10 years since. And I think this is the most valuable treasure that I have in my whole life.
Even though I might not be as active, but there are actually times that I went back to my previous posts just to see how much I've grown. How those things that suffered my mental and physical back then, does not hurt me anymore now. And honestly, it keeps me going.
School and friends were my whole purpose for why I did what I did. And I did not regret any of it. Will I change anything that happened to me, (if I were given a chance to), umph I didn't think so. I mean, yeah I definitely want to hang out more with my friends, have lots more laughter, but I think that's what the past is all about right? Everyone look at their past and will think of 101 ways of "what can I do to make it better" or "I want to change who I'm friend with" or even "I won't be doing the same mistake again", but can you tho?
I didn't say I'm proud of whatever bullshit I was in, but I think that's what 2021 me need.
We are now in lockdown. The whole country is affected by Corona Virus, which sucks man. I had to sacrifice my youth for this pandemic ffs. And honestly, I am alone. I mean, I have my friends checking up on me every day and my family is with me the whole time, but I don't know what gets into me lately. I just feel like de-attached from everyone. And God.
I have this one dream that keeps on coming over. Yes, this is about ainapa. Am I been thinking about her a lot? Ya, there are times when I grieve about her. But, I still keep living like a normal person. In fact, I think about her a lot in dreams rather than in real life. But how on earth do all of these dreams coming from? Guilt?
To tell you the truth, I had this one conflict with her back in 2010. It was all Selandar's bullshits. Let me take you on memory lane. Perhaps, me doing this, will help me move on. Let's, shall we?
We were 13. And it was just the 2 of us. This was way before Gigax.
I was head over heels with this senior. Let's call him Thomas. And obviously, she knew about my feeling towards Thomas and she actually helped me. She convinced me to take pictures with him at events and listened to all my fairytales. But, somehow (actually I don't remember how hshgs), I found out she had been texting with him behind my back. While I was busy sweeping his foot off, she got him already. Was I devastated? Yes, I was. But, I didn't mention anything to her. No. I let things go. And personally for me, letting things go has not been difficult, considering she was my only best friend. I mean, yeah I didn't forget about it. But, did I forgive her? I do.
In fact, while I'm typing now, I started to feel what it is like to be her. I mean, all the "senior-junior" relationship will definitely help her climb up the social stairs, and she could be more popular (phew) but she didn't do that. She kept it a secret to make sure her best friend was okay. God damn it. Ugh, now I feel bad. I'm pretty sure this is the exact thing that left hanging between us. Because none of us actually say anything towards each other. She never said she was sorry and I never claimed one from her. It just disappears from our world.
And now I can't say anything to her anymore.
Ainapa, I forgive you. I wish I can say this sooner, but I guess we were too busy with our own life. I hope God will let you know that I forgive you, and I know you have no bad intention towards me. And I'm sorry for not spending more time with you. And I'm sorry for taking over your spotlight. I'm sorry for every little guilt that you had for the past 10 years for this because of that. I'm very sorry and I hope you know that I love you so much and I wish you well.
Guys, go tell your existing friends that you love them, and you forgive them for whatever bullshits you guys in. Because when it is too late, it won't be the same anymore.
Ttyl.